Writing

I don't know what to write. I feel like I have nothing worthwhile to write about. Sure I have opinions, but I'm terrible at articulating them.  Honestly, all I'd probably do is confuse the reader or my argument would be so flawed it'd be embarrassing. I mean... See  I have no idea what to say now. God, maybe I don't even have opinions. Or at least I don't really know what to think. So basically there is no higher order thinking occurring in my brain ever. Fantastic. 

So don't read this blog. I have no idea what the fuck is happening. 

Love,

Sarah

Setbacks

My original intention was to post everyday, starting May 1st. It's May 6th and this will be the second blog post. I already feel like a failure and I want to give-up this goal. I want to sweep it under the rug and pretend that I never wanted to write a blog and that there are better things I could spending my time on. I have all these negative emotions over a small goal that I didn't stick to and these feelings are even worse for larger goals. School, work, my personal life, etc.

I don't know how to handle setbacks. I know how to accomplish tasks perfectly. I can meticulously juggle multiple difficult tasks at a time but as soon as I hit a setback, I falter. I don't know how to continue. It's like I can't handle the knowledge that I was less than perfect. I'd rather give up then know I wasn't perfect. I lack the ability to continue when I feel any resistance. It's why I never tried to apply for a higher paying job out of college and it's way I didn't apply to graduate school this year. I'm instantly afraid of trying things that might be hard. I'm scared to get that rejection. To be told I'm not good enough. I'm so scared to try and fail that I'd rather not try all. I just continue my life without failure and never try at anything. Never reach for anything or take a risk. I'd rather live in this little bubble of mediocrity then try to make something of myself. I'm so frightened of trying. It's so fucking stupid. Because trying is half the battle.  It really is. Showing-up, putting the work into it. it really goes a long way. It pushes you and it makes you stronger, smarter, more resilient. You can't succeed unless you're willing to make the leap, take the risk of failing. you can't achieve anything unless you take a risk. Because if you think about it, nothing is really a hundred percent certain.
so you have to try.
All you can do is try. And maybe that needs to be enough. It should be enough. Even if I were to fail, I can live with the fact that I tried my very best to get that thing. And sure it'll hurt to fail. But it's better to try than to never take a risk. Because all of life is trying and adjusting to setbacks.
Just try.

Love,
Sarah

1st Post- A Start

Why is this blog called Now? Simply because I like cheesy quotes and  my favorite quote of the week goes like this: "forever is composed of nows" It's by Emily Dickinson and I like how the quote reframes the way we think about time and the future. A lot of the time, it can feel like what we're doing right this moment doesn't matter and it's pointless in the grand scheme of things. But this quote reminds me that these moments do matter because they add up to our future and who we'll eventually become and what we'll eventually accomplish. So that reminds me that right does matter and ultimately  that's what this blog is about, recording my days right now. 

That's said, I have one goal for this blog. I'm going to try to post everyday in order to capture my life right at this moment and really honor my life experience. 

let's see how this goes! 

Love,

Sarah